There are so many good reasons to have more kids. I love kids. I love having them around. For all their fuckery, they are the most substantial source of joy in my life.
For me, the main reason to have more kids is, admittedly, vain and unimportant. It’s one of those “we’re all thinking it… but no one is willing to say it” reasons (okay, maybe we’re not all thinking it… but some of you might also be thinking it). So, if I’m being completely honest, the main reason I want more kids is that:
I enjoy having the ability to flex on people who have fewer kids.
At the grocery store. Or a coffee shop. On the other side of a booth at a restaurant. An entire exchange signaled in a single moment; with a glance, a bit of deference is given to the more-kid-having parent from the fewer-kid-having parent, and for a brief moment, the more-kid-having parent can relish the prestige. And then that moment is quickly and loudly interrupted by one of the kids spilling milk in your lap.
It’s NOT a superiority thing (well, not entirely), because on the flip side, I am in awe of parents who have more kids than I do! But is it a crime to want to spend more time on the receiving end of deference?
The slow reveal
Picture me at the farmer's market with just the twins in the double stroller. A woman peers in, goes with the classic: "Oh my, you've got your hands full."
I let it breathe for a moment. I adjust the sunshade.
"These two? This little ensemble? Oh, no. They’re the easy ones. The third at home is the real troublemaker."
She’s speechless. I push the stroller away with one hand and sip my iced coffee. Tote bag hanging effortlessly on my shoulder. “Have a nice day.”
With your own parents
My parents had me and my sister. Now that I have three, when they give me advice or lead with something like, “When you guys were that age—”, I smile and nod and fire up a little internal monologue, “Yeah. With your two kids. Your little boutique operation. Must’ve been nice playing on easy mode.”
When the tables get turned on you
The park. Another dad, two kids, I’m wondering why he hasn’t glanced over in an impressed way, seeing as I've got my three with me. Poor guy. Maybe he hasn’t put it together yet.
Then his wife rolls up with two more.
Four. The man has four. That’s when he looks me dead in the eye. The subtlest eyebrow movement says it all: Yeah. That's right, buddy.
I’ve never felt more humbled than after thinking I was in the position of prestige, only to find out that I’d failed in my responsibility to give deference!
When you don’t have your kids around
It's most unbearable when I'm out, kid-free, and everyone around me isn't. I'm standing there with nothing. Just a guy.
I want to climb onto a table and announce it. "You should know I have a LOT OF KIDS. They're just not here right now. Three of them. Two are the same age."
Obviously I don’t.
But it’s not easy.
Kids say the darndest things
4 yr old: I love you dad. To the moon and stars and around the sun and to all the stars a million hundred miles.
Me: I love you a billion times around the universe, going three times around every star
4 yr old: I love you a million million times around every star.
Me: Aww honey. You’re the best.
4 yr old: And mom… I love you a tiny bit more than dad.
Call for reader submissions
Send me a note with the funny stuff your kids say and do and I’ll incorporate them into future newsletters.
Thanks for reading! Hope you laughed. See you next time.
-Will
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