I spend a lot of this newsletter talking about my four year old (okay, not yet four, four in two weeks, can’t wait to be able to say “four-year-old” without caveating).
I haven’t shared a ton about our twins. I love them, but they’re just not as entertaining. However, I’m happy to say that they seem to be moving into the territory where their day-to-day behavior will contribute to this newsletter.
In other words, after 9 months, it’s finally starting to feel like it was worth it.
To recap our situation: in August 2025, we welcomed boy/girl fraternal twins (they literally cannot, by definition, be “identical” if they’re different sexes… the more you know). My wife carried them to 40 weeks + 4 and delivered them naturally in front of what felt like 45 stunned hospital employees. She’s a warrior, I’ve said this before.
After that I’m not really sure what happened.
The three months that followed their birth are partially blacked out and otherwise exist in my memory as blurry scenes, arranged in an unintelligible sequence. Whether that’s due to lack of sleep or some evolutionary quirk is hard to say.
Having two babies gives you a front row seat to the nature vs. nurture show.
He’s earnest and emotional, hardworking, and deeply, deeply loves avocado. She’s cunning and full of deception (like her mother), funny, and surprisingly conservative in her politics for such a young age.
I’d like to take the rest of this newsletter to explain what it’s like having two babies at the same time (sleeping, eating, locomoting, oh my).
Sleeping
I’ll preface the next sentence to tell you that we’re not neglectful parents; our first daughter slept in our room for like 5 months.
But at 3 weeks old, we had to kick the twins out of our bedroom. They sounded like javelinas! Maybe if you only had one kid, this would be sufferable. But the non-stop grunting and growling of these two meant a one-way ticket to the nursery.
This part is magical, though: these adorable little pigs can sleep through each other’s night screams with no fuss whatsoever. One of them could be wailing, and the other is just PTFO.
Is that… evolutionary?
Eating
Breastfeeding two babies is exactly what it sounds like. Physically demanding, and borderline impossible when they’re brand new and wobbly.
“Tandem feeding” (that’s the term in the multiples community) is a sight to behold. At peak complexity we had nine pillows in play to hold the day’s configuration—and there are many configurations: football, cross-body, reverse Portuguese Water Dog. Now I just dump them onto their mom and they clamp on like little baby koalas.
We’re a few months out from being done. Not because my wife wants to stop, but because the twins are obsessed with food. Like their dad. The catch is they’ve got two teeth apiece, so they don’t really chew their food. Also like their dad. (To be clear, I have a full set of teeth. I’m just a notoriously fast eater and committed non-chewer). Having only two teeth means they’ve had their share of digestive issues… which is the most like their dad of all.
Great eaters, though. Incredibly messy. Twice the mess. I mop the kitchen floor two or three times a day and have developed strong opinions about floor cleaning methods.
Locomoting
The house is fully gated. This keeps the babies away from the cats’ super expensive and gross raw food. Mostly.
He crawled first. She did not like that. Jealousy, it turns out, is an excellent motivator. She’d probably still be sitting there like a potato if she hadn’t spent a month watching her brother crawl around in a really cool way (knees never touch the ground). Two mobile babies mean two vectors and there’s the older kid taking corners at Formula One speeds while both cats try to put their entire bodies underneath my feet between steps. So far so good.
People see twins as an invitation to stop you in the street.
Somehow 2x the babies produces 4x the unsolicited conversation. Sometimes it’s a fellow twin, or a twin parent, or a twin grandparent. But mostly it’s a woman in her late 50s, shaking her head, exhaling like she’s lived a thousand years, telling my wife: “You’ve sure got your hands full.”
Lady. Fuckin… keep it to yourself.
Nikki Glaser has a bit in her latest special about how we praise dads for clearing the lowest possible bar. Dads with twins clear it to twice the applause. Yes, I have the babies at the grocery store. I did not also just save them from a housefire.
That said, I do try to give off a vibe that suggests it’s going great. It gives onlookers a sense of hope.
And when I’ve got all three and I’m not with my wife? My god… I could get away with murder.
The optics are exceptional.
People get right in your face and ask, “Do you think you’re done??”
I figured we were done. Now I’m not so sure. My wife was the adamant one. But something shifted. Lately, whenever she clocks a pregnant woman, she gets a certain look in her eye.
That’s gotta be evolutionary.
Kids say the darndest things
Almost 4 year old daughter: “Try to guess what happened.”
Me: “Did you pee a little bit in your pants?”
Her: “No… my underwear. Good guess.”
Call for reader submissions
Send me a note with the funny stuff your kids say and do and I’ll incorporate them into future newsletters.
Thanks for reading! Hope you laughed. See you next time.
-Will
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please consider forwarding it to your parent friends. If this email was forwarded to you, consider subscribing to Parental Advisory here. Outside of this newsletter, my “day job” is a financial planner; I run a firm that pretty much exclusively serves millennial families.