Quick personal announcement: After a few months of operating under the radar, I officially launched my financial planning firm. This will likely come as no surprise: the firm is built exclusively to serve millennials with young kids. Announcement post here if you’d like to support the launch with a like. Site here if you wanna see a snazzy brand. Alright, onto today’s content…
Our daughter has an amazing morning routine.
For an almost-four-year-old, this is pretty good:
She wakes up but stays in bed until her little green light goes on, then gets dressed, goes to the bathroom, washes her hands, lets our cats out of the playroom (if we didn’t confine them to close quarters at night, their partying would keep everyone up), she brushes her hair and teeth, comes downstairs with a smile on her face.
10/10. No notes.
The bedtime routine is less cute. It demands range and novelty.
First we “go to the dentist,” and this is a really important detail: the dentist has to be very mean.
Then we take a trip to the “hair salon”, where the hair stylist (my wife) is Cinderella.
After her shower she goes on a “night walk” to our next door neighbor’s front yard, where she picks 3 tiny little flowers growing in their lawn (they’ve co-signed).
Then we’re back in her room, and whoever is putting her down for the night has to go pick four stuffed animals for her to sleep with. One big one, three little ones. And never the same combination; this can take 3 or 4 tries—I was reprimanded once for bringing “all boys”.
Finally it’s reading a book in the big chair and then, if we’re lucky, we’re out of there without having to sing a song she’s “never heard” before. Lights go out and we give her a kiss and hug and say goodnight.
Sometimes “saying goodnight” takes another 10 minutes.
(Shoutout to Nanit for making it easy to share this dialogue verbatim).
Me: I love you, babe.
Daughter: I love you.
Me: I'll see you in the morning.
Daughter: See you in the morning.
[I start to close the door, it’s 6 inches from being fully closed.]
Daughter: Well, Dad.
Me: Yes?
Daughter: I might sleep in.
Me: You might sleep in?
Daughter: Yeah, 'cause I'm really tired from the party.
Me: You can always turn your light off and get back in bed if you want.
Daughter: Well, I just wanna keep sleeping.
Me: Okay, goodnight.
[Door is 3 inches from being completely closed]
Daughter: And Daddy…
Me: Yeah?
Daughter: I wanna keep closing my eyes till the green light goes on and keep sleeping 'cause I'm really tired.
Me: That's fine, honey. You can do that.
Daughter: Okay.
Me: Love you. See you in the morning when you wake up.
[Door is 1 inch from being completely closed]
Daughter: Well, Dad.
Me: Yes??
Daughter: Save my breakfast. Cook it and then wait for me.
Me: Okay.
Daughter: ...to come downstairs.
Me: Okay, honey. I will.
Daughter: And then put it on the table, and then make it, and I'll tell you what I want on top of my toast. Jam…
Me: Okay.
Daughter: ... peanut butter…… and butter.
Me: Okay.
Daughter: Okay?
Me: Okay. Goodnight.
[one centimeter from being closed]
Daughter: And don't forget to wait for me to come downstairs.
Me: To start making it or to have it ready for you?
Daughter: To have it ready for me.
Me: Okay, so you want me to have it ready when you come downstairs?
Daughter: Yeah.
Me: Okay.
Daughter: And tell me where it is. Okay?
Me: Okay. Good night, honey.
[one millimeter]
Daughter: And when I come down, I don't wanna see you still cooking it.
Me: Okay, we'll see.
Daughter: Okay.
Me: I'll try my best. How about that?
Daughter: Okay.
Me: Love you.
[one micrometer]
Daughter: Well, Dad.
Me: YES?
Daughter: Try your best not to cook it when I come downstairs. 'Cause I want it nice and neat for me.
Me: Okay.
Daughter: And don't forget to put on my jam. And butter... and peanut butter.
Me: Yeah. I will.
Daughter: And don't pack any peanut butter sandwiches in my lunch… ever again.
Me: Okay.
Daughter: At school time.
Me: Got it.
Daughter: Okay.
[one nanometer]
Readers, this is where I made an absolutely fatal error.
Me: Sleep tight! Don't let the bedbugs bite!
Daughter: WHAT IS A BED BUG!?
🤦
Kids say the darndest things
My daughter asked what it means to “sue” someone.
I said, “When someone agrees to do something and they don’t do it, you can sue them. And they might have to pay you some money.”
She goes, "Oh, like when Dad said he was gonna take a quick poop and he didn't? Is that suing? Can I sue him?"
Call for reader submissions
Send me a note with the funny stuff your kids say and do and I’ll incorporate them into future newsletters.
Thanks for reading! Hope you laughed. See you next time.
-Will
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please consider forwarding it to your parent friends. If this email was forwarded to you, consider subscribing to Parental Advisory here. Also, let’s connect on LinkedIn (I post unhinged stuff there too).